The Last Post

ACT I

Scene 1

Husband and wife, Gerald and Elizabeth, in their dining room. They are in their late sixties. Elizabeth in sitting at the table on which there are breakfast things. Gerald is standing by the window. He is angry

GERALD

(incredulous)

Leave it? No, Elizabeth, we can’t just ’leave it’. What on earth are you thinking?

ELIZABETH

But, Gerald, I don’t understand why you always have to win.

GERALD

I don’t ’always have to win’, Elizabeth. This isn’t about winning. This is a matter of principle.

Gerald looks through the window and leaves the stage in a hurry.

Ad lib from off-stage. Angry, confrontational.

Elizabeth picks up her mobile and presses buttons.

ELIZABETH

Helen? It’s Liz, next door. I know. They’re at it again.

Elizabeth listens

ELIZABETH

No, it’s the fence this time. Apparently, Gerald doesn’t like where your Harold is digging his post holes.

Elizabeth listens

ELIZABETH

I just give up. You’d have thought men of their age would have learned to mellow a little. They’re like little boys in the playground.

Gerald reappears and is very angry. Last word of confrontation is delivered as he emerges onto stage.

GERALD

Twat! (to Elizabeth) I’ve told him that he’s digging in our territory.

ELIZABETH

Territory?

GERALD

I told him, but he didn’t listen. I don’t think he even understands. He’s just a stupid old man.

ELIZABETH

I don’t think there’s any need for...

GERALD

Anyway, I’ve lined up the gnomes, down by the pond. Exactly six feet apart.

ELIZABETH

You’ve lined up gnomes?

GERALD

And I’ve raised the flag over the shed.

ELIZABETH

Oh, for God’s sake, Gerald!

GERALD

I’m not standing for it, Elizabeth. You can’t push Gerald Holmes around.

Gerald paces the room

ELIZABETH

I think you need to calm down. Helen thinks so, too.

Gerald stops and glares at his wife

GERALD

Helen? What do you mean, Helen? Have you been colluding with the enemy?

ELIZABETH

Gerald, Helen is not the enemy. Anyway, you said Harold had shown you his plans, down in the shed, where you brew your disgusting beer.

Gerald goes over to the window

GERALD

Don’t talk to me about plans. I thought that man was a friend. I broke bread with him. Took the top off a few bottles.

Pause

GERALD

But yes, Elizabeth, I saw what were supposed to be his plans alright, but, you know what? He’d sexed them up, hadn’t he?

ELIZABETH

(to herself)

How on earth can you sex up plans for a garden fence?

Gerald turns back towards the window.

GERALD

Good God! In the name of King and Country! He’s run a line and it’s on our side of the gnomes! I’m not standing for this.

Gerald hurries off the stage.

Elizabeth gets up, wearily, and goes over to the window.

Confrontational ad lib from off-stage. Final words heard clearly are from unseen Harold

HAROLD

...gnome up your arse.

Gerald returns, out of breath.

GERALD

I’ve had strong words with him, Elizabeth. This will not go unchallenged.

ELIZABETH

It’s just a fence, Gerald. He’s paying for it and he’s putting it up. I think we should be grateful.

GERALD

Grateful! Can you hear yourself? Should we have been grateful that the Germans actually paid for their doodlebugs? (Calmer, more secretive) You know, I suspected that he might be up to something. I got some information from Jack in The Swan.

ELIZABETH

Old Jack! I thought he’d been carted away long ago. He doesn’t know what day it is half the time.

GERALD

Jack told me that he’d seen hard evidence that Harold has some secret machinery, hidden away in his greenhouse.

ELIZABETH

Well, that’ll be... Just a minute, how do you hide things in a greenhouse?

GERALD

He’s got some of those Whatjamacallits of Mulch Cultivation.

Elizabeth walks over to her husband and sniffs the air in front of him.

ELIZABETH

Have you been drinking again, Gerald?

GERALD

I haven’t touched a drop.

Gerald turns and looks out of the window again.

GERALD

Oh, no! That, I will not tolerate!

Gerald grabs a bread-knife from the table and runs off the stage shouting.

Elizabeth picks up mobile and dials.

ELIZABETH

Helen! Look, I’m so sorry. Gerald’s gone mad. Get Harold to come back inside. I’m worried they’ll hurt each other.

Elizabeth listens.

ELIZABETH

He just grabbed the bread-knife and ran out. I daren’t even look.

Ad-lib shouting from off-stage. Last words again heard from unseen Harold.

HAROLD

...hope you slip and cut your cock off with it.

Gerald reappears - ruffled.

GERALD

I can’t believe it! Do you know what that... that BASTARD was doing?

Elizabeth just stares at Gerald.

GERALD

Planting mole bombs down what he thinks is the boundary. Mole bombs that could blow the back end off a kitten - or badly injure a grand-child.

Pause - Gerald turns to Elizabeth

GERALD

Are little Harry and Henrietta coming round today?

ELIZABETH

No, thank God!

GERALD

Thank God, yes. If they were then they could be blown...

ELIZABETH

Gerald! Stop it! Stop it now! You’re mad! Completely mad! You’ve lost all sense of proportion.

Gerald twitches a little then stares at the audience. Slowly, he grins maniacally. He still holds the knife.

GERALD

I’ve got it! I know how to beat the fundamendalist fool.

ELIZABETH

Gerald, please, no!

GERALD

I know exactly how to get him.

Gerald throws the knife onto the table and rushes off stage in the opposite direction. He returns carrying a bucket, pushes past Elizabeth and rushes off stage again.

Elizabeth looks through the window then shakes her head.

ELIZABETH

Will this never end?

Ad-lib shouting. Unseen Harold is heard last again.

HAROLD

... oh, no! For the love of God!

Gerald reappears, grinning even more.

GERALD

That’s shown him. That’s really shown him.

ELIZABETH

What - have - you - done?

GERALD

Five litres of weedkiller, straight into his pond.

Pause. Gerald faces the audience.

GERALD

His fish... are fucked.

ELIZABETH

You’ve poisoned...?

GERALD

Yes, Elizabeth. I told you, no-one messes with Gerald Holmes.

Gerald glances out through the window.

GERALD

Aha! At last. Now that’s exactly the reaction I was hoping for. A final showdown.

Gerald takes a gun from his pocket.

ELIZABETH

Gerald! What the hell...?

GERALD

Grabbed it from the shed. I knew it would come to this.

Gerald snaps to attention, salutes his wife and marches purposely off stage.

Elizabeth presses buttons furiously on her phone.

ELIZABETH

Helen! Gerald has a...

Elizabeth listens.

ELIZABETH

Oh, my God, no! Harold as well? This is madness. Yes, of course I will. I’ll see you out there.

Elizabeth runs off stage.

There is an UNCOMFORTABLE pause.

Two shots ring out.

Gerald walks back on stage with the gun hanging loosely by his side. Last post is playing quietly in the background.

GERALD

Well, that’s that then.

Beat.

GERALD

It’s sorted now.

Gerald looks directly at the audience. He laughs cynically.

GERALD

Don’t be surprised. These things happen, you know? Life is conflict. Conflict is life.

Pause

GERALD

Harold now knows that he can’t take Gerald Holmes for a fool. It didn’t end - quite how I planned. A certain degree of - unpleasantness, could have been avoided - perhaps?

Gerald paces. He then addresses the audience directly.

GERALD

But, you have to agree, the human intellect always prevails. A negotiated settlement has been achieved. The border is safe, secure, and we now have peace once again.

Pause

GERALD

(slowly)

Of course, there was some collateral damage. There always is.

Gerald sighs.

GERALD

But we’ve come up with a fitting tribute to Elizabeth and Helen’s valuable contribution to a peaceful solution. They will both be buried, with full military honours, beneath the last post.

Pause

GERALD

It’s the least we could do.

Gerald salutes the audience with the gun to his temple as the remaining notes of The Last Post fade.

FADE TO BLACK